Some Carlin Quotes:
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.â€
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
When you make a sandwich at home, do you reach down past the first three or four pieces of bread to go down and get ‘the good bread’? It’s kind of a self preservation thing, y’know? What you’re really saying is, “Let my family eat the rotten bread! I’ll take care of Numero Uno!” And down you go into the loaf. Down, looking for the two that you want, a matching pair. And you have to be careful pulling them out so they don’t tear. And then when you get them to the top, the upper eight slices fall the other way. I never straighten them out. I think, screw it, let ’em think a burglar made a sandwich.
